Crush of an Aspie
I am an adult who was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s which is a form of autism. This means my brain is not wired like the rest of the people who may be reading this article. It is a developmental disorder, something I was born with and is accompanied with difficulty in social interaction and communication and effect my emotions. Just like our fingerprints, no two autistic people are same and that is why it is called a spectrum disorder as the symptoms and characteristics vary from person to person.
As an Aspie (person with Asperger’s) I feel love and other emotions just like rest of you but with a twist.
Usually people feel attracted towards someone and go and share their feelings and then have some good time. I on the other hand, tend to obsess over my crushes. I will never go and tell them because I am super shy and feel very uncomfortable expressing and communicating what I actually feel.
Over a period of time I have realised I feel way too much emotionally about various things which one generally tend to overlook on a day to day basis. For example I can’t talk impolitely to a tele caller as I may hurt their feeling, I can’t push or abuse a beggar so I say no to them with folded hands. Aspies are generally empaths, we can feel what others are feeling.
These emotions and feelings are actually like a wall of water which tends to pin you down and wash you along with it and you can only gasp for air while everyone else around you is able to breathe perfectly fine.
Coming back to crushes, one of my earliest crush was when I was 18, I had gone to someone’s home and was sitting and sipping tea when this girl walked in and I stood up with my mouth open looking at her, she had this aura around her which was really soothing, the kind of feeling I guess a cat gets before sitting and sleeping in your lap.
Her voice was like music to my ears, I kept taking hidden glances at her and then she moved into her room and my mom had to ask me to close my mouth which was wide open.
Only few very close friends know about her and what I actually felt that day. She has a boyfriend and I try and avoid them most of the time since then. I end up having a anxiety attack whenever I meet or see her. I start fidgeting, sweating, having flashbacks of various memories of embarrassing moments, couldn’t talk properly, become jumpy and it all ends with me getting angry because of the overload of emotions.
I know it’s a crush and I don’t want anything from her but if its a crush it should have gone by now.
After my therapy and talking to other aspies I realised a crush just doesn’t disappear for me, I tend to obsess over them. I end up thinking about them each and every moment for a long time, mostly because of the lasting impact they left on me, for what it made me feel, the peace and calm that followed on seeing her which is rare for an aspie because our mind is literally overloaded with so many sensory inputs being received from our environment every second.
Anyways, it’s more than 10 years now, the anxiety attacks have reduced, I still feel a bit uncomfortable around her but I have more in my plate than before. I have realised what I felt was valid and there is nothing creepy about the way I feel. What I had was very natural. I have dated few people after that and am currently in a happy relationship with a wonderful woman (I will tell you more about her some other day)
Writer : @theboywhogrewupasanaspie. He is an adult with late diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome.
Hidden Pockets has been running a counselling service as well as a WhatsApp number for people who might have any doubts on Sexual and Reproductive health ( 8861713567) .