Misfit? They Call me.
This is my depressive episode, getting longer. Did you go through depression?
Have you ever feel like misfit? a misfit maverick? Well, I am in that club .
Like everyone else, I too grew up believing that in order to be happy, I need to belong somewhere – a society, a country, a social circle and finally, a family.
As wikipedia states,“belongingness is the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group.”
But still why am I feeling that I don’t belong anywhere.? Around three years back during a session, my psychologist told me (I was taking treatment for depression and anxiety disorder), that I am more of an “empath”.
But what does that mean?
Okay, Empaths are very sensitive about the energy and emotions of other people and every time I see or hear something sad about someone, I get really upset. And my unconscious mind constantly creating a sense of detachment, not to be a part of anyone’s life, be a loner , that way I can save several heartaches-I believe.
And, my psychologist calls me “Starsoul”.
I have a mission here – just being ME. That’s enough. It’s all I have to do. But that’s not easy. I feel so much pain while struggling to fit in here.I just sometimes need someone to recognise my pain and express it – that I know it’s been heard.
I have difficulties to understand why there is so much pain in the world and had to suppress my sensitivity, No… I don’t belong here… I just took a human cover.
And it’s tough to deal with the feeling that I don’t really fit in.
I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel isolated. And those feelings hurt! And I kind of love that hurt.
My eyes well with tears and I begin to crumble inside myself. Nobody notices and while I like it that way, I feel alone.
I cover myself , wear a smile, talk loud and laugh hard. And I wonder what would people say if they knew the truth- What if they knew what lies beneath these layers.
My thoughts running races at night, chasing nothing at all.. all night long.
I’m on a deserted island being surrounded by the crashing waves of depression.
Stigma. A mark of disgrace and shame. For having an depression or any kind of mental illness. If I were to come out of hiding, to reveal myself as someone who needs help, Would I be stamped as “crazy”? Would people look at me differently?
I was terrified. I was ashamed to step into a counselling centre for the first time. I wasn’t really aware of what depression is. there was only one word spinning in my head.
I may be crazy. Mental illness.?? Ohh God No. I have seen people with mental illness in movies, chained, locked in cell– scratching head and staring at infinity, curled up in the corner of a room with things scattered all around..
No- No- No.
These movies pastes stereotypes and labels onto people who struggle, or worse, sweeps them under the rug completely.Stigma begets lies and misinformation to the public which leads to discomfort and fear when the topic of mental illness arises. An even worse fear is the fear that stares those with mental illness in the face.
People become afraid to speak up, afraid to reach out, afraid to seek help.
I am a lucky one. Too many people struggling with depression and anxiety disorder choose to remain silent because the moment they reveal the thoughts circling inside of their head, they aren’t met with love. They are met with stigma’s ugly face. They struggle alone in dark for moments which feels like a lifetime.
Their negative self- esteem is validated through others ignorance. Their tears are visible only to themselves.
If you are one of those people, please hear me: You are enough. You are worth it. You matter. Some people make you feel small because they don’t understand.
I live with depression and anxiety issues , and sometimes I feel like I live far away from this planet of “normal” humans. I am an alien. No- We are humans- with a very tender heart which has no strength to take the pain this world gives us. We are the true “Normal Humans”.
Share a little amount of love to everyone around us. Who knows how we can make someone’s life better. Sometimes a touch is enough. A pat on the shoulder. A tender look straight into the eyes.
Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.
PS : Hidden Pockets have started scheduling appointments for counselling especially related to sexual and reproductive health. You can schedule an appointment by clicking the link on the left top most corner.
Talk to Us! We Care.