Ex-orcism?- How Did I Finally Leave a Miserable Love Life?

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Yes it is about an exorcism ! It’s about how I chased a demon out of my life.

I met this amazing man in Goa. Handsome, educated, from an affluent family and I fell on my knees the very first time I met him and soon he asked me out. Eventually we became the most celebrated couple in our circle. Things were all well and good for the first 7 months and then boom, we decided to take it to the next level,

We both Virgins; decided to have sex one fine morning.

Stress was circling around us but we did it… YES- we did it and miserably failed – anxiety and fear over ruled our hormones. But we never quit, tried over and over again, and we did it.

Wow the feelings.

Pain and pleasure of passion, mourns and murmurs.

I touched him, kissed him and circled around him like he is the sacred gift sent from up. I spent every breathing moment consumed by his presence around me.

But then things started changing, our happiness started fading each day.

He wanted more.

But what more? I was confused! I was giving my all- Love , Sex, Money and what not.?

Doing his laundry , his assignments, work excels and everything I can. And I believed it’s the duty of a good girlfriend. Still I was lacking something.

He replied to my Love texts in a rough way saying “it’s your problem that you love me so much, did I ask you.?” And he started comparing me with his endless list of ex girlfriends. I was heartbroken but still did all my so called duties.

Our days were filled with arguments and I sobbed all nights wondering where I went wrong. Our changes were noticeable and my near and dear ones started questioning my dark circles.

I was unable to listen to those who watched me struggle and spent 3 years doing everything I could to try to force a man to love me, and in the process I forgot how to love myself.

For 3 years I chased. I begged. I cried. Nothing seemed to work. He would come around when he wanted sex but would push me away when he got his fix. It was a never ending cycle of depression and humiliation.

I became insomniac- Never touched my pen to write my heart out, never said a word to my parents.

The sex once we enjoyed become a nightmare for me. He was so addicted to porn and wanted to experiment everything he saw on the screen- I pray to almighty that he should climax soon- I wasn’t able to take the tight slaps anymore and he wasn’t ready to stop it as my tears is what helped him to reach an orgasm- He wanted me to tell endless imaginary stories about how I made out with my boss, brother, his friends etc in order to get pleasure .

Still, I couldn’t stop loving him. I was afraid that if I did he would forget me. For 3 years I lived in fear of losing someone I deeply loved but never really had in the first place.

I slaughtered my dignity with my crazy behaviour, and I still couldn’t understand why he would treat me with such little care. But how could he not? I treated myself with so little love and respect, why would he treat me any different?

I tried to kill myself, tried to run away from the place – My friends were there to save me.

And slowly, I was able to move on. Then months later he told me he loved me. He wanted a second chance, he wanted to be a better man- he wanted me back.

But I already read the book- I knew how the story ends!

I chased a man who never really loved me because I was emotionally sick.

I think the hardest part of this three-year ordeal was accepting that my perspective of reality was just a fantasy I had created in my mind. It was hard to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect.

Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Instead, I spent years questioning over and over why he couldn’t.

Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.

We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. And we need to accept that some people will never love us, no matter what we do.

Writer :

Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.

Privacy and sexual health at Digital Citizen Summit

Hidden Pockets discussing Privacy with regard to sexual health at Digital Citizen Summit

We were present at Digital Citizen Summit organised by Digital Empowerment Foundation on 1st and 2nd November, 2018.

 

It was a great experience to discuss the role of privacy in our work on sexual and reproductive health and how do we work with other open source communities like Free Software Movement of Karnataka to build this further.

What about the One-Stop Crisis Centre for rape victims in West Bengal?

West Bengal continues to have the long drawn process for rape victims seeking any help or recourse. Speaking to Hidden Pockets Collective about the process presently followed with rape victims, Dr. P.S.Chakravorthy, Head of the Department of Gynaecology at the IPGMER & SSKM hospital, Kolkata says, “The victims have to first report to the police. Then they visit the gynaecology department here, after which the forensic department is involved in the process. Then if required, the victim is sent to the psychiatric ward for counselling.

Typically, any One-Stop Crisis Centre for rape victims is supposed to include medical, legal-aid, psycho-social counselling, shelter, police assistance, video conferencing facility to facilitate police and court proceedings. Having mapped One-Stop Crisis Centre for rape victims in several other states including Jaipur and Kochi, Hidden Pockets Collective went looking for one in the state of West Bengal. It appears that West Bengal has no One-Stop Crisis Centre (OSCC) for rape victims. There seems to be no information available on any centre that has been set up in West Bengal either.

Nation-wide plan for One-Stop Crisis Centres (OSCC)

According to the implementation guidelines released by the Ministry of Women and Child Development in April 2015, one OSCC was to be set up in every State and Union Territory during the first phase. The Scheme of One Stop Centre was approved for 36 locations, one per each state of Union territory for implementation from April 1, 2015. The Department of Women and Child Development were required to send its proposal for a centre to the Ministry of Women and Child Development and was to be approved by the Proposal Approving Body (PAB). According to the Revised One Stop Centre Scheme report from May 2016, ‘during the year 2015-16, proposals of 33 States/UTs had been sanctioned for setting up One Stop Centre. Out of these 33, 15 Centres were become operational by 30th May, 2016.’ The scheme has also been revised to include 150 OSCCs in phase two in addition to the 36 centres from phase one. The additional centres have been distributed amongst the different states including NCT of Delhi taking into account the number of registered crime, number of female population and the Child Sex Ration in the respective state.

West Bengal not to be seen? 

Interestingly, out of the 36 from phase one, only 14 sanction orders have been listed on Ministry of Women and Child Development’s website, all for the year 2015-16. West Bengal is not to be found neither on the sanctioned list or in the list of states mentioned in the minutes of any of the PAB meetings conducted so far. It is not clear when the website of Ministry of Women and Child Development was last updated. It is also not clear if the West Bengal government is one among the 33 states whose proposal was sanctioned by the Ministry. If it is one of the 33 states,  According to the Revised One Stop Centre Scheme report, 10 additional centres have been allotted for West Bengal in phase two.

Historically, how has West Bengal reacted to OSC centre – 2016 & 17?

  • In October 2015, Maromi met the Joint Secretary, Department of Women and Child Development of West Bengal to know the status of the OSC in the state. a place has been suggested in North 24 Barashat, Noth 24 Parganas, within the complex of DM bungalow.
  • In March 2016, Maromi sent a letter to the Chief Minister’s office to understand the status of OSC in West Bengal.
  • In November 2016, Maromi representatives met Dr. Shashi Panja to invite her for a seminar. During the meeting, speaking about the OSC, the minister said regarding the setting up of the OSC during which the minister mentioned that the government is not thinking about it at the moment.
  • The Ei Shamoy article on 26, November 2016 confirmed the statement expressed by the minister.
  • The state has rejected the Centre’s proposal for stepping up of the OSC. Shashi Panja says that we have already been doing this job so there is no need to take money from the Central government and set up a separate centre.

Where do women access services if both state government and central government refuse to take any responsibility?

How Tinder in Chennai helped mend my broken heart!

While Tinder swiping, I matched with a really nice Muslim guy. Being a Muslim woman, that came as a surprise to me. What I didn’t realise was that I was going to learn the lesson of my life on online dating. We hit it off really well until he asked me, “You’re 27 years old and not married? You should get married soon like I did.” He went onto say that he has three kids as well. On asking why he was on Tinder he tells me, “Men will be men.” It is perhaps at this point that I realised how naïve I was when it came to online dating.

For someone who constantly berated and judged people who were on Tinder, I never thought I would come to a point where I would be on it too. Heartbreak and absolute loneliness brought me to a point where I was craving companionship. Whether that was for sex, friendship or unadulterated fun. Friends convinced that perhaps I should open up my mind and experiment a little outside the box. Organic dating seemed really difficult and unsuccessful. So I thought maybe I can find someone there and we could start a meaningful, beautiful relationship, with great conversations.

That thought ended so quickly. I laughed for two days straight after I installed the app. The entertainment that I got from just swiping erased half my worries and made me a happier person. Before you judge me, let me get this straight. I was not laughing at men. I was laughing at semi-naked photos, photos with their spouses, wedding photos and even photos with their children! What was even more laugh worthy was the bios. How the fuck are you all sapiosexuals, foodies and wanderlusting? I instantly felt better within two days.

Before heading into online dating, I charted out a few principles for myself so that it keeps me safe. As a rule, I do not flirt with married men. As a bigger rule, I do not flirt with married men with kids. Second on the principle scale are the men with girlfriends. I really wouldn’t want to be in a spot where the guy who I was dating was out fishing for women. I did encounter all these cases while on Tinder as you can see.

Tinder in Chennai has a reputation of being utterly boring. I honestly don’t agree with this because I’ve met great men in Chennai. Then again it’s just my opinion but as a first timer on Tinder, Chennai was a great place to start with. The men were kind, knowledgeable, funny and pretty smart. Of course there were exceptions like in any case. Like the guy who had a nipple piercing as his profile picture. Or the other guy who thought saying, “Hey, wanna fuck?” was a great way to start a conversation. I mean, sure I would love to have sex but perhaps some introduction would be great before we dive into each other’s genitals?

I was always open to the idea of women. So my Tinder preferences were set to both men and women. And it is surprising how well that worked out. Women are genuinely kind, I tell you. There is no awkwardness or this really tiring ping-pong game of whose going to call whom. It’s straight-up front, a no-bullshit gig. And that was the most liberating thing I’ve ever experienced. If I was completely invested in women, I would totally date them.

I think the best part about Tinder-ing with a woman was how beautifully she opened up to me about being with women. This girl was married but her husband was completely fine with her experimenting with other women (Why would he?). She honestly told me that she’s never been with a woman but she’s willing to try and experiment. We also spoke about how amazing women might be in bed since we know each other’s body functioning so well, we would know where to touch and how that would make them feel. Giggling over such details like teenagers, I found absolute solace in this woman.

I did end up dating a guy from Tinder but that died down in less than 3 months. It wasn’t a bad experience but I felt it got intense way too quick. The sex was mind-blowing. I was re-introduced to Counter Strike, I started watching Master of None and many other new TV shows. I also realised how great anime and manga was. So all was not lost.

I think Tinder dating has more to do with attitude than anything else. If you’re looking for sex and companionship like I was, then perhaps you will get it. Being open to the concept really helps you. I was nursing a heartbreak, and so I thought Tinder would work in some way. I wasn’t expecting Tinder to completely heal me but it made me a much happier and lighter person, that’s for sure. Like Phil Dunphy says from Modern Family, “The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you if you just lower your expectations.”

And this is exactly what I did.

About the author:
Begum Tinderella is a writer, part-time shawarma eater, and an advocate for plus size sexiness. She loves swiping right, charming her way into men’s hearts with her infectious charm, drinking copious amounts of Old Monk, and rebelling against convention… but not necessarily in that order.