All I need is a hug

I am an adult with late diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome which is a form of autism. My brain is not wired like the rest you. I feel emotions and have feelings like most of you but sometime it becomes really difficult for me to put them to words. What non aspies may feel I could feel the same, sometime in a greater magnitude. Autism is a developmental disorder and is not caused because of vaccination or mosquitoes, it is something one is born with and is accompanied with difficulty in social interaction and communication.

We aspies are unique creatures. I personally feel like an alien on this planet, I have tried to blend in with the rest of the folks but have always known and felt that I was different.

As a kid I was very close to my parents and leaving them or sleeping without them used to give me nightmares and night terrors. I used to sleep walk to their room and used to wake up next to them a number of times.

As long as I remember, I have always been a cuddly sleeper.

The need for a human touch have always been very important for me. I remember how peaceful those days used to be, I was having sound sleep without getting disturbed.

Slowly and steadily as I grew I was shifted to another room where for a long time I shared a bed with my sister, this I believe is the case in many indian families where the siblings share the bed. I remember there were days when in my sleep I used to get close to my sister and she used to push me away back in the other side of the bed, I know this because I used to wake up when she was doing this as it sometime used to cause lot of discomfort,

After all no one likes to be kicked to the other side of the bed.

Slowly and steadily I learned to hug a pillow and sleep, this was very comforting till the pillow kind of gave in, now it has a huge dent on it where I used to put my leg on and most of its stuffing is lost.

As an aspie I despise being touched. It’s really irritating and gets on my nerves causing lot of discomfort and sensory overload. There are very few people who I allow to physically touch me in the form of a hug or even shake hands.

On hitting puberty and learning about sex, as every teenager I was hungry to experience it, but at the same time was dead scared of it as it involved lot of touching. I realised this later after going on dates that I am demisexual, which mean I can only be physical with someone till I am emotionally attached to them.

With time I also realise sex is overrated and what matter the most is the comfort and coziness. That’s why I love cuddling, it gives me a sense of peace and calm which I rarely get in this overly stimulated world around me.

The best thing is, my girlfriend completely understand this and is happy to make it as easy and less stressful as she could.

Writer : @theboywhogrewupasanaspie. He is an adult with late diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome.

Hidden Pockets has been running a counselling service as well as a WhatsApp number for people who might have any doubts on Sexual and Reproductive health ( 8861713567) .

Feelings emotions while living with Asperger’s Syndrome

Crush of an Aspie

I am an adult who was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s which is a form of autism. This means my brain is not wired like the rest of the people who may be reading this article. It is a developmental disorder, something I was born with and is accompanied with difficulty in social interaction and communication. Just like our fingerprints, no two autistic people are same and that is why it is called a spectrum disorder as the symptoms and characteristics vary from person to person.

As an Aspie (person with Asperger’s) I feel love and other emotions just like rest of you but with a twist.

Usually people feel attracted towards someone and go and share their feelings and then have some good time. I on the other hand, tend to obsess over my crushes. I will never go and tell them because I am super shy and feel very uncomfortable expressing and communicating what I actually feel.  

Over a period of time I have realised I feel way too much emotionally about various things which one generally tend to overlook on a day to day basis. For example I can’t talk impolitely to a tele caller as I may hurt their feeling, I can’t push or abuse a beggar so I say no to them with folded hands. Aspies are generally empaths, we can feel what others are feeling.

These emotions and feelings are actually like a wall of water which tends to pin you down and wash you along with it and you can only gasp for air while everyone else around you is able to breathe perfectly fine.

Coming back to crushes, one of my earliest crush was when I was 18, I had gone to someone’s home and was sitting and sipping tea when this girl walked in and I stood up with my mouth open looking at her, she had this aura around her which was really soothing, the kind of feeling I guess a cat gets before sitting and sleeping in your lap.

Her voice was like music to my ears, I kept taking hidden glances at her and then she moved into her room and my mom had to ask me to close my mouth which was wide open.

Only few very close friends know about her and what I actually felt that day. She has a boyfriend and I try and avoid them most of the time since then. I end  up having a anxiety attack whenever I meet or see her. I start fidgeting, sweating, having flashbacks of various memories of embarrassing moments, couldn’t talk properly, become jumpy and it all ends with me getting angry because of the overload of emotions.

I know it’s a crush and I don’t want anything from her but if its a crush it should have gone by now.

After my therapy and talking to other aspies I realised a crush just doesn’t disappear for me, I tend to obsess over them. I end up thinking about them each and every moment for a long time, mostly because of the lasting impact they left on me, for what it made me feel, the peace and calm that followed on seeing her which is rare for an aspie because our mind is literally overloaded with so many sensory inputs being received from our environment every second.

Anyways, it’s more than 10 years now, the anxiety attacks have reduced, I still feel a bit uncomfortable around her but I have more in my plate than before. I have realised what I felt was valid and there is nothing creepy about the way I feel. What I had was very natural. I have dated few people after that and am currently in a happy relationship with a wonderful woman (I will tell you more about her some other day)

Writer : @theboywhogrewupasanaspie. He is an adult with late diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome.

Hidden Pockets has been running a counselling service as well as a WhatsApp number for people who might have any doubts on Sexual and Reproductive health ( 8861713567) .

Do you follow some rules for Casual relationships?

Living alone in a city, is never really easy. One is always looking for that one person to talk to, maybe sleep with, or just cuddle with. And being a women, it just becomes all the more tough. It is like people already  a moral code around have how to live alone in a city.

I was born on October 2nd. Woah! What a great day to step into this beautiful world!

Birthday of the Father of our Nation and I got holidays on my birthday during my schooling and even when I started working- Privileges of being born on a public holiday.

And  now , tell me how someone can forget this date and do not wish me on my birthday- any excuses.? Ohh maybe you are not good at remembering dates – but I am not very convinced with that – in this world of social media- you can never forget an important date.

So here goes the conclusion: That simply shows your place in his/her life.

This year, on my birthday, as usual  I got my public holiday off from work but still  I was feeling sad. A guy that I have been sleeping with, had not wished me and in the afternoon I was simply laying on my bed ignoring every other calls and wishes.

I felt so stupid.

I don’t want any commitments. honestly!

But I see a birthday wish as a sign of respect . I would like to be acknowledged on my birthday especially when I have very few people to show up with love. And about love, Yeah.. a birthday wish is a fair amount of love to carry all over the year. I choose to have sex with him because sex is phenomenal. And before him I was not very much aware of the ecstatic feelings our bodies can give us. And when we are together we are actually genuinely laugh and have pretty good conversations and he is one of the nicest human I have ever came in contact with.

I act like I don’t care about not receiving a well wish from him .
Like Damn. I thought at least we were friends—but I guess I am not even a ‘Friend’
But  wait.. Am I being over dramatic?

He may had no idea that him not wishing me birthday would become a matter of life and death for me. We are not exactly in an ideal relationship and as far as I know, he is really really bad with dates . If he can nearly miss his international flight due to his forgetfulness, this is nothing.

So here I implemented a key aspect : Stop Counting.

I wanted to hear from him but he did not call or text and in this I forgot the people who took their time out to wish me. I should appreciate the friends and family who wished and forget this specific guy I wanted to hear from.

When I say forget, It’s just about forgetting this incident- not forgetting him.

Living alone in this big city, I have very few people to rely on and he is one.

He is the solace , we are having great sex, he makes me laugh- and moreover, no strings of attachment so far.

It’s great,Isn’t it ?

It is!

So stop counting and start living.

Writer :

Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.

Does anyone ask for young people’s consent?


Hidden Pockets Collective recently conducted a workshop on consent for young people with Project Khel in Uttar Pradesh. It was conducted for children above the age of 10 years old to 17 years in different schools.

We asked the young people if they had ever talked about issue of consent with their friends, family and communities. There were lot of questions about right to say yes, right to no, and questions about how to convince a person.

They often had questions about who had a right to give consent, not everyone felt they had a right. Also for most of them, they felt like parents decided things for them.

Even though nobody explicitly mentioned about child marriages, young people did acknowledge the fact that a lot of young girls had to drop out of schools because of marriages.