Feelings emotions while living with Asperger’s Syndrome

Crush of an Aspie


I am an adult who was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s which is a form of autism. This means my brain is not wired like the rest of the people who may be reading this article. It is a developmental disorder, something I was born with and is accompanied with difficulty in social interaction and communication. Just like our fingerprints, no two autistic people are same and that is why it is called a spectrum disorder as the symptoms and characteristics vary from person to person.


As an Aspie (person with Asperger’s) I feel love and other emotions just like rest of you but with a twist.


Usually people feel attracted towards someone and go and share their feelings and then have some good time. I on the other hand, tend to obsess over my crushes. I will never go and tell them because I am super shy and feel very uncomfortable expressing and communicating what I actually feel.  

Over a period of time I have realised I feel way too much emotionally about various things which one generally tend to overlook on a day to day basis. For example I can’t talk impolitely to a tele caller as I may hurt their feeling, I can’t push or abuse a beggar so I say no to them with folded hands. Aspies are generally empaths, we can feel what others are feeling.

These emotions and feelings are actually like a wall of water which tends to pin you down and wash you along with it and you can only gasp for air while everyone else around you is able to breathe perfectly fine.


Coming back to crushes, one of my earliest crush was when I was 18, I had gone to someone’s home and was sitting and sipping tea when this girl walked in and I stood up with my mouth open looking at her, she had this aura around her which was really soothing, the kind of feeling I guess a cat gets before sitting and sleeping in your lap.

Her voice was like music to my ears, I kept taking hidden glances at her and then she moved into her room and my mom had to ask me to close my mouth which was wide open.


Only few very close friends know about her and what I actually felt that day. She has a boyfriend and I try and avoid them most of the time since then. I end  up having a anxiety attack whenever I meet or see her. I start fidgeting, sweating, having flashbacks of various memories of embarrassing moments, couldn’t talk properly, become jumpy and it all ends with me getting angry because of the overload of emotions.

I know it’s a crush and I don’t want anything from her but if its a crush it should have gone by now.

After my therapy and talking to other aspies I realised a crush just doesn’t disappear for me, I tend to obsess over them. I end up thinking about them each and every moment for a long time, mostly because of the lasting impact they left on me, for what it made me feel, the peace and calm that followed on seeing her which is rare for an aspie because our mind is literally overloaded with so many sensory inputs being received from our environment every second.


Anyways, it’s more than 10 years now, the anxiety attacks have reduced, I still feel a bit uncomfortable around her but I have more in my plate than before. I have realised what I felt was valid and there is nothing creepy about the way I feel. What I had was very natural. I have dated few people after that and am currently in a happy relationship with a wonderful woman (I will tell you more about her some other day)

Writer : @theboywhogrewupasanaspie. He is an adult with late diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome.

Hidden Pockets has been running a counselling service as well as a WhatsApp number for people who might have any doubts on Sexual and Reproductive health ( 8861713567) .

10 ways to reduce Periods Pain

Periods ! They haunt my body and soul. And most of the time they go above and beyond the ways to ruin my days. And it’s the same for most of the girls.

But regular periods are a sign that your body is working normally and many of us experience different kind of discomfort during the cycle.

So far, scientific support for the claim that any remedy can treat the menstrual cramp is limited. But we have herbal medicine which offer relief without any side effects and those are easily available in our house. For me, after trying over the counter medicines for a very long period, my body stopped responding to them and I had to turn my head towards herbal remedies.

But top of any remedies , it’s water water and water.

  1. Water : Staying hydrated don’t curb your cramping directly, but it will definitely help with bloating and better if its fennel water.
  2. Tea Person : Being a tea person, I run on the fuel called ‘Ginger tea’ during my periods.
  3. Chinese Herbs : And yes, I have have become a huge fan of chinese herbs lately. They  are more effective than most of the over the counter medications I tried.

And, if you are wondering what is chinese herbs, those are our cinnamon bark,fennel,licorice root,Chinese angelica root and red peony root.

4. Medicinal plants have a significant role in women’s health care, during   menstruation, pregnancy, birth and postpartum care in many rural areas of the world.

5. Herbal remedies can not only help to ease the pain but also calm emotions and help a speedy recovery. Raspberry leaf is one of the best when it comes to uterine muscles.

Make a raspberry tea for yourself if you are a tea person, if not, Make raspberry tea ice cubes.

6. Chamomile also do wonders when it comes to labor pain and relieving tension.

Some aroma please :

A women not only needs pain relief during her pregnancy, we all need emotional balance Right.?

7. An oil massage, enhanced with herbs will relax muscles. Chamomile, rose , lavender… we have a big list.

8. Lavender is calming and strengthening and its aroma is proven to relieve depression and irritability.

Period cramps and problems are common but usually are not considered serious. We take care of our teeth, we take care of our hair, we take care of our heart and bones and every part of our body seriously but, why not our womb.?

Ayurveda :

According to the classical ayurveda, A healthy menstrual cycle has bright red color flow, which does not stain the clothes and has an odor but that’s not foul and

most importantly has an amount that is an average four anjalees ( A single anjalee is an amount that would fit into your one cupped hand), but i should say it varies on each of us.

9. Pacifying diet lifestyle, yoga and pranayama, breast massage, castor oil packs,hydration,salt scrub are most common methods for easy periods according to ayurveda but first of all, you need to find out your body type before trying any ayurvedic medicines. Same like western medicine, ayurveda also do not recommend self medication.

Taking a treatment without knowing your body type can create serious issues. If you still have doubts around ayurveda, remember that ayurveda is one of the oldest healing science.

And can we trust western medications completely.?

Nope, we can not!

10. So before getting into any treatments, understand that every women’s periods has its own ‘personality’ and just because your friend got a different length for bleeding and shorter or longer circle, it doesn’t mean that you also have to get the same.

Understand your cycle and break your head only if something out of the ordinary happens!

Happy periods!

Would you visit a counsellor for your mental health? I did.

Misfit? They Call me.

This is my depressive episode, getting longer. Did you go through depression?

Have you ever feel like misfit? a misfit maverick? Well, I am in that club .

Like everyone else, I too grew up believing that in order to be happy, I need to belong somewhere – a society, a country, a social circle and finally, a family.

As wikipedia states,“belongingness is the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group.”

But still why am I feeling that I don’t belong anywhere.? Around three years back during a session, my psychologist told me (I was taking treatment for depression and anxiety disorder), that I am more of an “empath”.

But what does that mean?

Okay, Empaths are very sensitive about the energy and emotions of other people and every time I see or hear something sad about someone, I get really upset. And my unconscious mind constantly creating a sense of detachment, not to be a part of anyone’s life, be a loner , that way I can save several heartaches-I believe.

And, my psychologist calls me “Starsoul”.

I have a mission here – just being ME. That’s enough. It’s all I have to do. But that’s not easy. I feel so much pain while struggling to fit in here.I just sometimes need someone to recognise my pain and express it – that I know it’s been heard.

I have difficulties to understand why there is so much pain in the world and had to suppress my sensitivity, No… I don’t belong here… I just took a human cover.

And it’s tough to deal with the feeling that I don’t really fit in.

I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel isolated. And those feelings hurt! And I kind of love that hurt.

My eyes well with tears and I begin to crumble inside myself. Nobody notices and while I like it that way, I feel alone.
I cover myself , wear a smile, talk loud and laugh hard. And I wonder what would people say if they knew the truth- What if they knew what lies beneath these layers.

My thoughts running races at night, chasing nothing at all.. all night long.
I’m on a deserted island being surrounded by the crashing waves of depression.

Stigma. A mark of disgrace and shame. For having an depression or any kind of mental illness. If I were to come out of hiding, to reveal myself as someone who needs help, Would I be stamped as “crazy”? Would people look at me differently?

I was terrified. I was ashamed to step into a counselling centre for the first time. I wasn’t really aware of what depression is. there was only one word spinning in my head.

I may be crazy. Mental illness.?? Ohh God No. I have seen people with mental illness in movies, chained, locked in cell– scratching head and staring at infinity, curled up in the corner of a room with things scattered all around..

No- No- No.

These movies pastes stereotypes and labels onto people who struggle, or worse, sweeps them under the rug completely.Stigma begets lies and misinformation to the public which leads to discomfort and fear when the topic of mental illness arises. An even worse fear is the fear that stares those with mental illness in the face.

People become afraid to speak up, afraid to reach out, afraid to seek help.

I am a lucky one. Too many people struggling with depression and anxiety disorder choose to remain silent because the moment they reveal the thoughts circling inside of their head, they aren’t met with love. They are met with stigma’s ugly face. They struggle alone in dark for moments which feels like a lifetime.

Their negative self- esteem is validated through others ignorance. Their tears are visible  only to themselves.

If you are one of those people, please hear me: You are enough. You are worth it. You matter. Some people make you feel small because they don’t understand.

I live with depression and anxiety issues , and sometimes I feel like I live far away from this planet of “normal” humans. I am an alien. No- We are humans- with a very tender heart which has no strength to take the pain this world gives us. We are the true “Normal Humans”.

Share a little amount of love to everyone around us. Who knows how we can make someone’s life better. Sometimes a touch is enough. A pat on the shoulder. A tender look straight into the eyes.

Spread Love.

Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.

PS : Hidden Pockets have started scheduling appointments for counselling especially related to sexual and reproductive health. You can schedule an appointment by clicking the link on the left top most corner.

Talk to Us! We Care.

Is India ready for law on periods?


Mr. Shashi Tharoor recently introduced a private members bill and asked for amendments in some of the existing legislations on women’s health. The Bill ( Women’s Sexual, Reproductive and Menstrual Health Bill 2018) looked at some of the aspects of the women’s health and was ambitious enough to name the bill as Menstrual, Reproductive and Sexual Health. 

In general lives of women, there is often a tendency to neglect one’s own sexual and reproductive health. We rarely expect or even complain regarding it. In such a scenario, this demand might be applauded.

The naming of the Bill itself is very interesting. For the first time a name of the law itself covers menstrual, reproductive and sexual health. In a country like India, where these issues still are seen taboo, this name is a huge step forward.

If we really want to get our government involved in our daily lives, we need to have specific demands from the government, and this is where Shashi Tharoor for a change decides to use the simple vocabulary of demands. 

This Bill has a lot for everyone! 

Girls 

This Bill starts by asking for sanitary pads in government schools. Now, if we look at this proposal, this is an ambitious pitch itself. The cost of this demand, the social stigma around this demand and more than anything the sustainability of this demand. The whole world is trying to convince each other to move towards cloth pads and India is legalising the right to sanitary pads. Maybe for a first time, it is still a good move to discuss menstruation in the parliament and put some onus on our governments to provide for these facilities. 

But then, we should be completely aware of what is that we do indeed need for the future. In our demands what are we asking for? and for whom? Is there another way out where we can pitch for sustainable products or should we just start at the basic level and help the girls as the first step. 

Is it time government takes up the responsibility of ensuring good health for its girls and women? and if we have already reached this stage of asking for free pads, why not even ask for tax exemption and reduction of costs for pads, and treat it as essential goods? 

Single Women: 

From girls, to young women who bear the cost of being women in this country, acknowledging abortion as a care for all women, not just married is a huge step. This new Bill is  a refreshing change from the existing legislation which uses the word married and limits the service of medical termination of pregnancy to the mercy of doctors.

In our work we see the number of young single women who struggle to approach a doctor due to fear of not being married is a huge barrier. Young single women often get blackmailed and are willing to spend any amount of money just to get an abortion. There is a lot of report around unsafe abortions in the India. This is a great step just to ensure that women do not end up with quacks. 

It is also interesting to realise that there is an attempt to push abortion conversation away from medical field and take it to legal field. At present, it is called Medical Termination of Pregnancy and most of the conversation around still revolves around medical facts. In our work at Hidden Pockets we have seen so many people struggling with this question whether abortion is legal or not. By shifting the name to Legal Termination of Pregnancy it suddenly acknowledges the fact and makes it very clear for any normal person that abortion is legal

Married Women :

The Bill seeks for challenging the idea of “marital rape” and brings back the conversation of consent even within marital spaces. It demands for acknowledgement of the fact that marriage itself is not a signifier for consent. There are moments of discomfort or moments within marriage also where people do not consent to any physical contact. This is indeed a huge demand and ability to acknowledge violence even in these spaces. 

This Bill helps us remind that as young girls and women in India, it is time we ask for some of these basic rights and expect our governments to ensure that we do have healthy lives. 

I got my periods at 15! When did you get yours?


I have always had a complicated relationship with my periods.

Among my friends, I was the last one to have mine. And  it did make me feel a bit isolated.

I couldn’t really talk to my classmates about the very thing they whispered and giggled about, after learning about it in school, I was worried why am I the only one who is different from other girls. And then when I was 15, that happened to me, and it didn’t seem so funny.

My periods was way worse than most of my friends, I bled more; it lasted for eight to ten days instead of the typical five to seven, and the hurt!

Wearing super absorbent pads (Pad was a luxury and I was allowed to use it only when I go to school. Other times when I was at home, Mom used to give a clean cotton cloth which I wash after every use and keep safe for the next period), my heavy bleeding made me feel like I didn’t have control over this particular bodily function. But the only relief was my period was extremely punctual, I knew when its gonna come.

Tampons and menstrual cups were not popular those time so the only known option was pads. And I used to get rashes due to keeping two pads at a time and it feels extremely uncomfortable, like my little lady is in an oven.

The change in menstrual lifestyle

Fast forward, social media introduced tampons to me. I wanted to try them but was terrified to know that I have to put them inside. And no one ever told me how to use one.

But I took the help of youtube videos , andddd…. when I used one for the first time, I left the cardboard applicator in. And the other time the thread came off and I had to fish for the tampon inside. Thats horrible. And slowly I got used to it, become an expert in putting my tampons in.

The uncomfortable feeling when I felt during the initial days fade away and sometimes even I forget that I am on my periods. Yes, the cramps will remind me that I am bleeding, but the tampons never made me feel anything abnormal.

And during my periods I am overly conscious about the odour, what if my colleagues get the foul smell? and checking my back every time after getting up from my chair.?

Ohh gosh, I am wearing two pads and what if those lines are visible from my back because put on a tight jeans.? what if my favourite panties get stained?

No more worries about all this when I use a tampon.

But if you ask me tampons are better than pads? everything comes with its own pros and cons and should be very very careful while inserting and removing,

also we can not see how stained our tampon is, so it’s better to keep a timing to change it according to the flow. Last but not least, ALWAYS..ALWAYS keep an extra pad,

because it’s gonna be really hard changing a tampon in public toilet.

Happy Periods!

Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.

Skinny is not sick!

Skinny  isn’t sick!

Skinny girl…?

I am more than my body… I am more than my hair…

I am not just my skin!

I am the confidence radiating through my smile.

If you ever wondered why young people grow up hating their image, I for one, blame society.

Growing up, and even now, I have always hated my image. Disgusted by my slender physique and narrow bottom, I always strived to be a ‘Thick’ or ‘Curvy’ women.

Why?

Because society says that skinny girls are sick, or on drugs.

Because I am constantly criticized.

In other words, Skinny shaming is as bad as fat shaming, and IT NEEDS TO STOP.

There is no particular body type for REAL WOMEN.

Real women exist all over the world and they can be any size. My physical appearance has zero to do with how REAL WOMEN I am.

The other day I went for a full body massage and as soon as I undress, the therapist looked at me like I am an Alien. And she presented her hate by asking ‘Where should I massage Ma’am? On your bones? thinking that her insult is somehow flattering to me.

Whenever I am in for a full leg waxing- they comment about my long legs (Yes, I am tall and obviously my legs will be long) and thigh gap.

–          You will look much better with some meat on your body.

–          When did you last eat a decent meal?

–          You work in a restaurant and skill skinny?

Listen, I can’t help the shape of my body. Nor I want to feel ashamed of it. There is no part of it I would change and now I don’t feel any anxiety when I look in the mirror due to what is reflecting back to me.

And yes, I am not effortlessly slim. I have to work really hard at staying the size I am (rather than unhealthily underweight) by getting plenty of calories down, all day every day, force down calorie laden smoothies and cook everything I possibly can in butter.

The genes inherited from my Mother’s side of family means that I have incredibly fast metabolism.

Isn’t it sad that I have to explain myself like this?

I can’t help but feel that the society doesn’t want skinny girls to have positive view of themselves.

I am lucky that I developed a don’t care attitude lately but I often wonder how a younger, more vulnerable girl would cope with these kind of comments.

People think they are paying me some kind of inverse compliment by telling me that they hate me because how I look.

Well I am fed up with it.

I just wish that the next time someone takes it upon themselves to thin shame me-or anyone else- they would think about what they are about to say and then turn it on their head and imagine coming with something similar to a women who is overweight.

Would they tell a fat girl that they hate her because how her body is?

No.. I don’t think so. So why can it be considered OKAY to say that to me?

There is enough room for everyone to be beautiful. All women are beautiful, big or small, and there is enough room for all of us to shine. The traits and values that truly matter in the end are your kindness, generosity, openness, loyalty etc. Your body should be taken care because it houses all of those traits. But that SHELL does not define you.

I am beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Every woman is beautiful regardless of her size.

Writer :

Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.

How to prevent pregnancy after sex?

How are you preventing pregnancy?

If your answer is “By not having sex,” hats off to your wit. The rest of the write-up is not for you though.

For those of us having sex, I want to confess something. I am 38 years old, and I have been under the impression that most people use condoms or oral pills for contraception. Up until writing this piece, I have been quite ignorant about contraception in India. So, here’s sharing what I have learned.

The Great Indian Contraception Journey

Ours is a country where childbearing is actively encouraged. Sex, without procreation as the outcome is considered pointless. This sex, too, must happen in the approved enclosure of marriage. As a society, we also have this incredibly magical power of engaging in the activity but denying its existence. “How are babies born?” “Oh, they are dropped in the hush-hush hammocks by the side of the supremely sanskari trees in the middle of the platonic nights.” Talking contraception in an environment when the sexual act itself is not recognized publicly is not easy. However, aided by government loudspeakers, we have been talking about it.

In 1960s, the total fertility rate (TFR) was just a little less than 6. That is, on an average, a woman in India was giving births more than five times in her lifetime. Forty-eight years later though, in 2014, the TFR was 2.3.

The Contraception Scene in India

With sex being taboo, contraception becomes an uncomfortable subject to discuss. Seeking modern methods of contraception, including the innocuous condom, is not common, I learnt. Going through the National Family Health Survey 2015-2016 (NFHS-4), I learnt that only 53.5% of women (married, aged 15-49 years) deploy any method of contraception. 47.8% use a modern method while the rest rely on methods such as avoiding the ovulation period or pulling out before ejaculation.

While 36% of the surveyed women have opted for sterilization (tubectomy), only 0.3% among these have partners who have opted for male sterilization (vasectomy). Only 5.6% use condoms and 4.1% use oral pills. The NFHS-4 woke me up to the realities of contraception in the country. Over 6 lakh households were surveyed for this; almost 7 lakh women and over a lakh men were interviewed.

Types of Contraception  

Pregnancy involves three steps: the first is the ovary releasing an egg (the ovulation), the second is the sperm travelling to the ova (egg) and fertilizing it (fertilization) and the third is the fertilized egg travelling to the uterus and attaching itself there (implantation). Any means of contraception is about interfering with these three steps.

Contraception methods are of three kinds when it comes to how long-lasting those are. The short-term methods like the condom or the oral contraceptive pills are to be used with regular frequency to prevent pregnancy; the long-term methods like the intra-uterine device (IUD) can prevent pregnancy up to ten years; the permanent methods involve sterilization, usually opted by those who no longer want children.

Male methods of contraception

Condom: The condom is a barrier method of contraception where the sperm is stopped from reaching the ova. While essentially a means of birth control, the condom protects one from sexually transmitted diseases.

Vasectomy: Considered a permanent method of contraception, vasectomy involves cutting and tying off tubes that carry sperm into the semen. Thus, essentially, the semen that is ejaculated in sex no longer carries sperm.

Female methods of contraception

Condoms: The female condom is like a pouch, which when inserted into the vagina, barricades the semen, and thus the sperm, from reaching the ova. Given this too blocks entry of the semen, it prevents diseases that are transmitted sexually.

Oral Pills: The oral contraceptives are hormonal means of preventing pregnancy. The pill is a combination of estrogen and progesterone that interferes with ovulation or fertilization. The pill is often prescribed to regulate the menstrual cycle. This method is also known for its side effects that may include mood changes, nausea, weight challenges.

Spermicide: This method kills the sperm in the semen. Typically available in the form of tablet or jelly, this needs to be inserted inside the vagina a few minutes before sex.

IUD: The intra-uterine device (IUD) prevents the implantation of the fertilized egg in the uterus. This is a long-term method of contraception where the device is inserted inside the uterus for a duration of a year to ten years.

Tubectomy: This method prevents fertilization. Considered a permanent method of contraception, tubectomy involves closing or tying the fallopian tubes so that the egg does not meet the sperm.

Emergency pills: This oral contraception is a reactionary method of preventing pregnancy. This tablet is taken after unprotected sex; it delays ovulation so that the sperm does not attach itself to the egg.

Natural or non-modern methods

Those who do not use a modern method of contraception and even those who may do may sometimes use what are called natural methods of contraception, methods that do not involve cost or bodily interference or intrusion. Avoiding sex during ovulation is one such method. Watching the cycle and recognizing the time of ovulation, however, is not an easy task. The other natural method used is withdrawal where the man pulls out of the vagina before ejaculation. These methods, though seemingly in control, pose a high risk of pregnancy.

One could argue that condoms are a safe, non-intrusive method that also prevents STDs when one is with multiple partners. That is just a view though. How are you preventing pregnancy?

Writer : Anuradha calls herself an overthinker. Besides being a closet poet, she writes on matters that intrigue or move her. She is the co-founder of Dehaat, a niche art brand that brings forth the work of artists from India’s rustic belts of culture. She is also closely associated with the discussion platform LoudST and moderates its panel discussions.

Depression and Me

You feel bad– You take pill — Problem solved.

I am a 28 year old single women, living away from family since I am 18.

All alone in big cities , miles and miles away from family, I was always the occasional visitor to home.

Life has shown me it’s different colors , sometimes black sometimes white but most of the times gray.

But everyone around me sees me as the most happiest person on earth. Very few know about the depression and anxiety I have been

through. Nasty breakups, financial crisis, ill health, job changes, working as a team leader in a male dominated industry isn’t so easy. Especially for a girl who hailed from a small village in kerala.

Lots of people asks me how I am happy and pumped up all the time.

I would never say that I have “cured” my anxiety. That just seems silly to me.

I have made a list of things which I have to give more importance in life, to be precise, a checklist.

I am able to continue living my life anyway, as happy as I can be?

You bet I can.

I didn’t always feel this way.

When I was 14, I first experienced the “Bad Touch” but wasn’t able to understand and do anything about it instead I choose to remain silent and avoid the situation, like many girls do.

There must be something wrong with me to feel this way– I thought.

During the struggles of life, which most of us face, we tend to forget what we are actually capable of. We tend to forget our strengths and feed on our weaknesses.

For most of my life, If I felt sick, I went to the doctor who gave me a pill and made everything better. Never gone too deep to the roots of the cause. Western medicine led me to believe this was how health care worked.

You feel bad– You take pill — Problem solved.

The same approach even when anxiety wrecked my world.

Anxiousness, panic attacks, Night terrors– the answer was pills.

There were nights when I cried out so loud for no reason- then I would look at my mirror and talk to myself,

that made me feel like I am not alone.

I saw doctors, therapists– you name it. Everyone offered me pills, good sleep, drink water, engage yourself to the things you love— but nothing seemed to help, after all I didn’t love even a single thing around me.

I decided I should change– I should start finding beauty in everything– no matter how hard it is.

I made friends, I started dating. But I was too bad at choosing.

Some of them used me for financial benefits, it’s not always true that girls suck the money out of men and leave.

Most of the time its other way around.

I realized I am the therapist for my problems. I started my dance practices, started writing, read books without even looking what sort of story it contains.

Slowly.. Very slowly..

I was able to choose my books, believe me — if you can choose the right book to read, rest all will come naturally.

I decided- No more doctors– No more feeling sick– No more feeling bad about myself.

I am enough– I worth more than what I received.

Those nights, A fire lit inside me like I had never felt before. As if I had hit rock bottom and the only way to backup was to rise to the occasion.

It took far too long for me to realize that I had it all wrong. I had no one to guide but only me.

The moment I took accountability for my happiness is when I realized how stupid I was all along.

I made some simple lifestyle changes that drastically improved my situation.

That’s why I tell people I never cured my problems, I learned how to manage it.

We all can do that, I believe.

There wasn’t actually anything wrong with me, it was all my mind playing games with me when I was alone.

I started enjoying my solitude.

To manage this , I had to become proactive.

Do not fight your feelings , instead recognize it for what it is and allow it to fade by its own.

It took me a painfully long time to learn this art.

But if you let go, You allow yourself to be free.

I rose from the pit of despair and conquered my fears.

Today, I happily manage my problems, but I sure as hell I haven’t “cured” it.

Writer :

Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.

Do you follow some rules for Casual relationships?

Living alone in a city, is never really easy. One is always looking for that one person to talk to, maybe sleep with, or just cuddle with. And being a women, it just becomes all the more tough. It is like people already  a moral code around have how to live alone in a city.

I was born on October 2nd. Woah! What a great day to step into this beautiful world!

Birthday of the Father of our Nation and I got holidays on my birthday during my schooling and even when I started working- Privileges of being born on a public holiday.

And  now , tell me how someone can forget this date and do not wish me on my birthday- any excuses.? Ohh maybe you are not good at remembering dates – but I am not very convinced with that – in this world of social media- you can never forget an important date.

So here goes the conclusion: That simply shows your place in his/her life.

This year, on my birthday, as usual  I got my public holiday off from work but still  I was feeling sad. A guy that I have been sleeping with, had not wished me and in the afternoon I was simply laying on my bed ignoring every other calls and wishes.

I felt so stupid.

I don’t want any commitments. honestly!

But I see a birthday wish as a sign of respect . I would like to be acknowledged on my birthday especially when I have very few people to show up with love. And about love, Yeah.. a birthday wish is a fair amount of love to carry all over the year. I choose to have sex with him because sex is phenomenal. And before him I was not very much aware of the ecstatic feelings our bodies can give us. And when we are together we are actually genuinely laugh and have pretty good conversations and he is one of the nicest human I have ever came in contact with.

I act like I don’t care about not receiving a well wish from him .
Like Damn. I thought at least we were friends—but I guess I am not even a ‘Friend’
But  wait.. Am I being over dramatic?

He may had no idea that him not wishing me birthday would become a matter of life and death for me. We are not exactly in an ideal relationship and as far as I know, he is really really bad with dates . If he can nearly miss his international flight due to his forgetfulness, this is nothing.

So here I implemented a key aspect : Stop Counting.

I wanted to hear from him but he did not call or text and in this I forgot the people who took their time out to wish me. I should appreciate the friends and family who wished and forget this specific guy I wanted to hear from.

When I say forget, It’s just about forgetting this incident- not forgetting him.

Living alone in this big city, I have very few people to rely on and he is one.

He is the solace , we are having great sex, he makes me laugh- and moreover, no strings of attachment so far.

It’s great,Isn’t it ?

It is!

So stop counting and start living.

Writer :

Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.

Why did my termination of pregnancy have to be this painful?

Hello. I just wanted to share the story of the most traumatic event of my life in the beginning of 2017. I feel like other people could benefit from this and not make the mistakes I made. So, I was just beginning to be sexually active and ended up having unprotected sex on multiple occasions because I wasn’t aware of the absolute necessity of condoms.

However, on the times that there was ejaculation in me, I took an emergency contraceptive pill, thus thinking I had successfully avoided at least pregnancy.

 

However around New year’s I started feeling a dull pain around my abdomen and the area between my vagina and anus (perineum) but ignored it for about a week. A friend advised me to test myself for pregnancy and I tested positive. I was aware or hopeful that an abortion is a relatively easy procedure, so I went to a gynaecologist to get it. It was fortunate that the gynaecologist was an experienced, non judgemental personAnd she asked me to get an ultrasound and a HcG done. I paid her one thousand rupees but in retrospect I’m thankful I spent that money instead of procuring abortion pills from somewhere as I had also considered at a point. Anyway I got a total of four different tests for HCG done, in three different places. And only the third time, at a super speciality hospital were they able to fully confirm that it was an ectopic pregnancy.

I was 18 and had no way I could tell my parents about it. I used up all the money (around 20k) getting various tests and ultrasounds done and due to the incompetence of the earlier two clinics and the pricey third hospital.

The last hospital  wanted to admit me asap as an ectopic pregnancy at the stage I was in (6-8 weeks) could be life threatening. However I didn’t have the money that they were demanding, and there was no way I could ask for it, without telling my parents, and that proved to be the hardest part. Finally in a very difficult call I told my  father about it and he asked me to come home and said that he would get me admitted in AIIMS. He sounded calm, maybe because he was at work. I went home and my parents had a difficult time wrapping their head around what my diagnoses was, the fetus had attached itself in my right fallopian tube and because of the pressure the tube has burst and I had severe bleeding in my uterus. After the internal ultrasounds were done, it would be difficult for me to walk even.

My mother delayed taking me to the hospital because she wanted me to suffer and once I came back home my father’s calmness went away and he just became apathetic.

They didn’t take me to a hospital for another two days in which my friends kept persuading them, and finally when the pain because too unbearable, my mother took me to another hospital, where I waited for several hours as there were I think very few beds/ very few doctors. There was a lady waiting with me whose child had stopped moving and was probably dead, at the end of her third trimester, but her husband and mother in law were extremely casual and apathetic about it. Of course, the milieu was traumatic and added to my overall mental state, and at various points I kept thinking about killing myself, but it was heightened the most that day. Ultimately that hospital did not have the infrastructure to deal with a case like mine so they sent me to big hospital There I was admitted in the emergency ward. The hospital treated me with very little empathy and my mental state was severely deteriorating, but at least they were quick and efficient unlike the other private clinics. They decided to operate on me, to perform a selpingectomy via a laproscopy. It was done on the 20th of January.

The medical emergency/problem was taken care of, but the lasting impact it had on my mental state hasn’t been taken care of till now.

My parents still remember that and are cold towards me, not understanding the excruciating pain I had to suffer through all this. My mother once blamed my ‘character’ for my sister getting home late and tried to stab me in the stomach and I injured my hand trying to defend myself. There was blood everywhere. Even after the surgery, I have what are probably adhesions that are quite painful on some days.

For a very long time, I didnt want to go to college or anywhere at all, even now I have terrible anxiety and I have fucked up my graduation because I wasn’t ablet to concentrate on my studies at all..

And the lack of support from my parents didn’t help. I have become a different person now, sometimes I remember how alone I felt going from clinic to clinic trying to know what was wrong with me, and just not having the energy to do anything but still having to go out to put an end to the pain. I didn’t know how dangerous an ectopic pregnancy could be, and I have realised that there is very little awareness generally amongst people still.This is cathartic for me, and even after close to two years of the incident, even though my mental health has started to improve, I feel phantom pains in my abdomen and am terrified of anything going wrong with my reproductive parts, even something as simple as a UTI sent me into the same spiral of depression. I break down very often in frustration, I recently had a yeast infection and it immobilized me, especially because I feel afraid to discuss these problems with my mother, even though our relationship too has improved. I cannot stand the thought of needles and I’m afraid of blood from my vagina.Of course I understand that an ectopic pregnancy is just a medical condition.

However the way I was treated and because of lack of support of any kind, as well as the desperation and pain I had to be in in the days when I going clinic to clinic have probably traumatized me forever. Added to that was the hopelessness, I didn’t know what to do at all, and until my friends intervened with my parents, I didnt know if I could even survive.

Thank you for reading this. I’m much better now, though the slightest of problems sets me on the same path. Abortion and pregnancy termination of any kind shouldn’t be this traumatic, and I really hope people like you ( Hidden Pockets) will be able to bring about a change (:

 

Editor’s note : We are extremely grateful to this person who shared her story with us and wanted to ensure that nobody should feel lonely and should go through what she went through alone.

We want to again emphasise the fact that Hidden Pockets is just a WhatsApp away : 08861713567. Trust Hidden Pockets. We Care.